“10 – 15 Seconds” (Meaning of Painting #5 - Set of 5)

If you’ve been reading the descriptions to this entire set of paintings, you are over-all aware of the traumatic events I was enduring and attempting to survive someway, somehow… the worst year of my life in 2002.

I’m having a bit of writers block when it comes to explaining this painting in a way that you can process these jumbled moments that I experienced that spring through fall. I was 19, almost 20. I was already lost in life. I hated college and had no clue what I was going to do with my life and then I was hit by these traumatic events. My world flipped upside down, and this did not motivate me to care about my career path. Though, I don’t know that I would have cared anyway because I felt so much pressure to work in the medical field and be just like everyone else. I have learned the hard way, that I was not wrong. I do NOT belong in the medical field or an office job. But I moved forward trying to be what I felt I “was supposed” to be…

TRIGGER WARNING – Next Sentence

It was May 13, 2002, and I found myself at an orientation for summer employment, in the medical field, literally less than 12 hours after receiving the news about my friend’s death of suicide (and 4 to 5 days after the sudden, traumatic news about my other friend, that was not processable, too far disturbing and one of the largest shocks in my life)...:(

How I made it there or made it through the orientation is beyond me? I just know I wasn’t really there. There was muffled noise all around me. I think I introduced myself like I was supposed to? I was supposed to be doing some sort of group work, but I don’t remember contributing? The presenters words were muffled as if they were not using a microphone, and I were in the back of an enormous auditorium. Familiar faces came up to me, and we interacted, but I don’t recall a word. I do remember a couple people smiling and thinking to myself, “How can you be smiling right now?!!” As if they had any connection to the current terrifying, nightmares I was experiencing and the disoriented and throbbing mental and emotional state I was in.. I might as well not have been there, and I probably shouldn’t have been. I should have been taking care of myself at home. I would choose self-care now, but at the time, I didn’t feel that was an option. I also knew that this was an opportunity for me that I shouldn’t and couldn’t fail at no matter how completely crushed I was.

I believe I met my new co-workers that afternoon? I basically just nodded my head at everything they said as I attempted to process the agony that I couldn’t let myself feel and thoughts I couldn’t let myself know.

There was a new co-worker in-particular that stood out. There was something about him that made me feel uncomfortable. I’m an analyzer by nature, and it was obvious that he is as well, and this makes most analyzers uncomfortable because they aren’t used to being analyzed when they are the ANALYZER. I learned that he was analyzing because it was basically going to be the 2 of us in a crunched office space all summer (for at least half of each day).

I was just analyzing because I sensed he was analyzing! Looking back, we are both emotional and guarded people with kind souls who care about people, BUT we did not know this about each other YET. At the time, I know I was thinking, “CRAP, I’m not going to make it through this summer employment… It’s waaaayyy too much, it’s depressing, I’m going to end up quitting and disappointing everyone.” I know after talking with him, he had his own worries such as, “This young 19 year old isn’t going to accept me for who I am – a 40ish year old homosexual, who just has his ways...” but he found out I just love humans, and love the way I want to be loved.

BUT… it takes a little while to adjust to new situations. I had to get trained in, in the other office and his office, and I had to survive this life I continued to not want to face…

And I have many unhappy moments during this time, but I’m going to tell you about one memory that I was getting flashbacks of while I was painting. It’s one of those unforgettable, stand-out memories that leaves you with questions in life and a lot of feelings.

One random summer day… most likely June...

My 8 – 5 work day was finally over

I could go home and let my tears out!

Yay!!! :(

I was in my business-casual work attire that I fully detested, walking down the sidewalk, slowly, in the frying heat with the sun just kind of peering at me. I didn’t stop to look around at much at the time. I didn’t care about anything other than desperately and chronically wanting my loved ones back in my life, but I remember very vividly, stopping and gazing at the sun for about 10 to 15 seconds. There was just something about the way it was gleaming as if it had something to say or something that it wanted from me? 10 – 15 seconds isn’t lengthy, but when you’re standing there as the reality of the hustle and bustle around you passes you by, and all you catch sight of is the sun peacefully, conveying something purposeful to you in slow-motion, it does not feel like 10 – 15 seconds… it feels much longer, but I can’t decide on a time-frame.

It just “was.”

Were my loved ones who passed possibly trying to get my attention? Were they attempting to comfort me, letting me know they are safe and okay? Were they trying to help me move forward without them? ….

it was as if I were intuitively searching around for a handful of very persuasive presences. My soul was drawn in to the point that I think back to that moment more than 2 decades later and will for the rest of my life.

The blinding sun’s, swaying rays shined differently and were pointing directly at me. This was the real me, taking in this moment, but I didn’t want to be the real me anymore. It was too unbearable.

I wasn’t sure what the sun wanted from me, but all I could hear was one of the saddest internal whispers I have voiced to myself, “The sun used to make me happy. It doesn’t anymore.” :(

And I kept walking with my head down, wishing I never had to look up at the sun again. Though, it was following me because I could see my repulsive shadow, as my hideous, clunky dress shoes dragged the sidewalk. I felt completely unwanted and unloved. at the time, I felt that meant, maybe I shouldn’t want me or love me either, but I have re-learned and re-taught myself otherwise since then. I was majorly wrong about that.

I felt chunky, ugly, unworthy, so lonely and apparently “too sensitive” and “too much to handle” for anyone I had left in my life. The sun was never going to be able to help me with any of those things! It was just going to shine its triggering rays upon me and remind me of the past, making me miss everyone and everything that made my life happy… even MORE. It would never, EVER be okay again. Not without my loved ones. I cared “too much” apparently. Is there such a thing? Maaaayyyybbbbeeebe they cared too little??? …….

Switching back to this co-worker who made me feel uneasy –

It quickly became very obvious that he probably has a case of OCD while I have a case of ADHD (honestly, I was diagnosed with ADHD a couple years ago – I had no idea at the time, but my life makes so much sense now:)!

He was extremely particular about EVERYTHING, and as you can probably guess, I was not! I mean, he arranged his pencils!!! Why?!!:) He hung up his coat… who does that?!! :) He basically took care of me every day. he picked my coat up and hung it up for me :) I thought it was just fine on the floor, by my feet with my purse, but apparently that is not where it belongs:) I really wanted to mess with him and un-organize his pencils, but I did not follow through with that specific impulse because I felt that one was going too far:) I mean, he did pick up my coat for me after-all:)

I caused a lot of unintended commotion for him such as pushing buttons on file cabinets that no longer had the keys apparently? I mean… the buttons looked satisfying to push, AND no one mentioned that there were no keys… what else do you want me to say?:)

And the guy was obsessed with his fruit and veggies, so how do you ignore a banana sticker speaking to you that says, “Stick me on the back of his coat!” I can’t help that while he was walking to get lunch, an elderly lady randomly asked him, “Do you own a banana factory?!” He was very confused until she pointed out the sticker. He knew it was me right away, and I received “the look” when he walked into the office, but he couldn’t hold back his laughter.. He can thank my mom for teaching me this one:)

Another day, I was trying to print pictures of a girl I related to. She was scared and sad, staring at a scale, weighing herself that said, “Do not step on it, it makes you cry.” It wouldn’t print… so as you are probably learning, pushing buttons is fun for me, so I kept pressing the print button over and over again. It turned out, I was printing dozens of them at our other office:) OOPS!!!

I may have caused a lot of trouble, BUT when someone who likes control of his settings and environment, lets you have control of the music for a day with your mixed CD’s, you know that you can’t be too much trouble:)

I make it sound so happy, and in moments like those, I truly was (thanks to having a special person like him around). Not only did we share unexpected moments of laughter, that we both really needed, but we cared about each other’s troubles in life, though they were very different. We supported one another and had a unique friendship form. It’s always the unexpected friendships that are the most meaningful, do you ever notice that?

Internally, I was still not okay at all. I mean, those moments did distract me and made me okay for short spurts, and these spurts are the reason I made it through that spring through fall of 2002; but I went right back to having to face my broken heart that would never, EVER, EVER be the same:(

If anything helped me truly get by in life when I felt completely alone (which has been often), it has been music and writing because they both listen, and provide advice and match my emotions whenever I need. They don’t ever turn on you. They provide unconditional love and support.

Jumping back to work… (Sorry – the jumping is a bit obnoxious)!… but try to stick with me please! I’m trying to express what was happening in my busy self while painting this painting:)

I did actually work. I wasn’t all commotion or trouble believe it or not, BUT as I mentioned above, my ADHD definitely, unknowingly, existed and mixing that with the depth of grief and sorrow I was enduring while having to focus on work was miserable. Thank God I had such a kindhearted co-worker who turned in to such a supportive friend.

I did, actually, what I think was a great job at multi-tasking at work and finding the necessary errors I was supposed to! I ended up with severe tennis elbow, but I pushed through it! Side-note: When I finally was able to get in to see my Dr., she did care very much about the tennis elbow, but not so much about my SEVERE Depression and anxiety. I had been waiting to see her for mental health reasons, not for tennis elbow. Tennis elbow just happened to come up during the wait. After barely surviving as I waited to see her for a month or 2, I was told there was a 3 month wait for psych. I was … I’m not sure how to explain the feeling I guess… just even more so, extremely hopeless and alone, and I didn’t think I could feel any worse than what I did, but when a Dr. can make you feel this way… you can definitely feel worse. I don’t blame her though, and I did truly like her as a Dr. in general and do appreciate all of the help and support she provided me over the years. Mental health has been a topic that has been improving, I think? Over the years… and it isn’t everyone’s cup of tea.

Sorry – that was definitely a random, impulsive side-note!

My multi-tasking did involve my work duties, however I became a pro at including writing my journal-type poetry, quickly every moment I had, so I could get my intense, constantly flowing, emotions and thoughts out in order to survive.

I would grab my work off the printer, do the work that needed to be done, fold it, put it in a folder and send it off… write some feelings… grab work off the printer… write some feelings… and you get the drift… it went on much of the time, but I did my best to hide what I was actually doing.

I’ve just always written whatever comes to mind but not necessarily in journal form and not always in poetry form? Sometimes I have written lyrics, but I don’t know if I’ve written them correctly? I plan to find out though!! Because I’m on my way to following through with doing everything I love to do without anyone or anything getting in my way. I wrote my first lyrics at age 12 (actually I wrote lyrics before I wrote poetry). After hiding them under my mattress for a long time, I ended up ripping them and throwing them away, which is a huge regret of

mine:( I didn’t want anyone to find them, but they were about missing my brother who died at a young age and loving my family so much.

Sorry, distracted again – Story of my life:)

I noticed my co-worker / friend now – glancing back and forth at me as I wrote on and off, but I COULDN’T HELP but write. It was just something I HAD to do out of survival. I was lucky he let me do it without questioning me.

One day, he finally did cave and in a caring tone, asked the question, “What are you doing?” so I expressed to him, how I handle my hardships with writing, and he calmly and sensitively asked, “Can I read it?”

GULP – “Ummmm Sure….?”

He was a great person and all, and I did trust him, but my writing is very vulnerable, and sharing that part of me causes intense anxiety because I don’t want to be “too sensitive” for anyone, but this part of me does exist, even if it doesn’t show on the outside as much. I accept myself and my feelings but most people don’t understand me, and I prefer not to get the look or feeling of rejection. Blah… that doesn’t help a person.

I’ll never forget which poem it was. It is called, “Come Home.” It’s about wanting my friend that took his life to Come Home…:(

The look in his eyes as he handed it back, was a look that I keep in my personal, emotional, non-physical, heart-photo-box. He said, “You HAVE to do something with your writing.” He said more, but I can’t remember his exact words anymore. His expression said most of it anyway. I just remember feeling like someone saw something in me that mattered, and I just wasn’t sure how to take that in? I just knew it meant a lot to me. I believed him when he said he saw something in me and in my writing, but I didn’t believe in myself.

I was just a girl that simply put my feelings on notebook paper and any random pieces of paper or writable items I could find such as cardboard at my job (or sometimes I typed them out, if I happened to be on a computer and my mind wandered which did happen and still happens often – millennial here:)

My style is just kind of blurting out everything I’m feeling and thinking that I don’t always even realize I’m feeling and thinking. Sometimes I do realize, but writing helps me work through the anxiety of my emotions and helps me answer questions that I only have myself to ask.

Sometimes my answers to my own questions aren’t correct. I look back at my writings throughout the years, and I can see I have grown, but I feel as though I self-taught this growth through writing and my other art interests such as listening to music, singing, dancing, photography, videography, acting, etc. so from my point of view, even in times of wrong or a little off, I give myself credit for taking the time and putting the effort in to trying to figure out the answers, for trying to figure out what the “right” thing to do was, the “right” way to feel was, what was really going on (listening to all sides and hearing all hearts) -

So WHAT am I RAMBLING ABOUT? WHAT does any of this have to do with the PAINTING?!!!

Ugh – I’m trying to get there, I think I’m almost there!!!

Some of it may not have anything to do with the painting honestly haha… BUT it IS all a part of me. It is my story and how I ended up to painting this painting so in my mind… it all contributes:)

BUT…

I knew I deeply related to the luminescent spirit, glistening from the sun that day.

It was like I was blocking out what felt like deja vu...

This was a brand new moment that felt familiar, but I wasn’t interested in familiar anymore. Familiar was triggering.

And it is in this exact moment, 23 years later, I am finally piecing the sun’s message together, or at least this is my interpretation of how I see it now.

It just dawned on me that I felt this exact feeling as an almost 3 year old in the middle of the night. The night my little brother passed away, I woke up crying for him at the same time, he passed away. I remember this strong, unmistakable energy and light circling, around me, fully. I was actually inside the light though, which didn’t happen when I was having the stare-down with the sun as I stood on the sidewalk, BUT it was the same relatable energy. Also, from what I recall, it was the same 10 – 15 seconds, but it felt much longer…

and I can’t actually put a time-frame on it because it just “was.”

I can tell you that it was incredibly calming and peaceful and giving me the same message the sun was attempting to give me that day, that all would be okay. I can also tell you that it faded away in a circle shape, and it faded just as quickly as it appeared. My aunt was there taking care of me that night, which is how I know I woke up at the same time he passed away. She says she felt the energy as soon as she opened the door(s) to my bedroom. I remember the light disappearing one instant before she opened my bedroom door(s)… I had a unique set of doors. I lived in a log cabin, and I HAVE to include both doors because there were two of them that latched together, and it feels wrong to just say, “door” and leave one out! Just saying!

Anyway… I did not begin remembering this moment until I was around age 12, which was when I wrote my first song (that I threw away). This was when I began self-blame for not saving my brother and also not saving my other brother who was severely attacked in an accident (he thankfully survived).

As I write about this… and paint about it…

I can’t help but feel like all of this hell is coming full circle… all of the negative “circles” / cycles… have morphed into one giant lesson…

Giant like the sun…

Giant like the light that surrounded me when my brother came to comfort me before he fully left this physical world.

The 10 – 15 seconds that felt like eternity? Here is my take…

When I was stuck in “eternity with the sun” that day, I absolutely knew what these 10 – 15 seconds of eternity were about, but I wanted nothing to do with it because I related all too well to this long “pause” with light taking over my being. I did not want to give it the control. Last time, I did that, I had to let go of my brother, and the 10 – 15 seconds in life outside of the comfort and peace of that light continues, but I have to find my own way. I have to go back to that moment and remind myself of the peace I was blessed to feel and see. I may feel like life is an up-hill battle, and I may feel like a lot of the peace and love that I had with my loved ones has been taken away, but then again, how lucky am I to have the gifts of connection to energy in the physical world but also with energy and light and my surroundings getting to have such comforting experiences, that last “10 – 15” seconds???

I also feel, the “10 – 15 seconds of eternity” was meant to symbolize that it may take a lot longer than I prefer to feel better in the physical world, but that the light is always there if I am open and willing to let it in… that I WILL get there, that I WILL always find the light again…

When I talk about my life to others, I hear crickets and get stared at. I even get sent away from churches that provide free therapy because my life story is apparently a lot and “not the right fit?” But for me, even though it sounds like a lot when I speak about it or write about it… it’s my normal, and I can’t sit here and say I wish it on anyone. I can’t lie and say it hasn’t been torturous. I think I have made it clear that it has been, and it still can be!!!!

BUT… my experiences have also given me an appreciation for life and a heart that wants to help others the best I can.

AND I realize how incredibly lucky and blessed I am to have the life that I have with all of the people that I love. I feel grateful that I am sitting here today, alive and healthy, not upset with anyone for anything because we all make mistakes and truly, as cliché as it sounds (and I really dislike cliché)….

“everything happens for a reason.”

Also, therapists try to make me refrain from saying this, but I mean it when I say a lot of people have had it (and do have it) worse than me. There are so many stories I have heard, and my heart breaks knowing that I would much rather live my life story than others. If you are reading this and have been through hell, please know, I care so much, and I wish I could take away your pain… :(

You’ll have to visit my blog to learn more, but I have recently started making merchandise that includes my paintings and my daughter’s art (she’s so talented).

The Brand is called, “No Dim” and the slogan is “It’s YOUR Light” – Meaning NEVER Dim YOUR light for Anyone or Anything…. It belongs to YOU and ONLY YOU.

The interesting thing about this is that when I began this brand, I had no intention of painting. This brand has kind of made itself along the way…

I just feel it is so meant to be…

Maybe it all started when the light surrounded me close to age 3?…

I have learned my lessons from these circles / cycles. I have lived through enough of the “10 -15 seconds” for now. I know I don’t have control, and I have found that the sun is making me happy again.

I’m fully letting the light in again…

I’m not going to Dim MY light for anyone or anything -

It is MINE – It belongs to ME…

And my belief is that we should all help each other shine,

because no one should feel alone.

We all matter.

Love,

KP