My Heart Made Me Do It...

“MY HEART MADE ME DO IT” (Set of Paintings – 5 Piece)

Painting in art class was always fun. I noticed I gravitated towards abstract art. My teachers would give me A’s typically and would write kind comments on the back.

I was also big on painting as an in-home childcare provider for 13 years, but never did I picture myself going to the store to get paint supplies for solely myself...

But my heart made me do it…

My heart is a tough one to fight, especially when it teams up with my mind and lights up with a creative spark such as this one. It started as a giant light as usual, but I continued to put my foot down on this one as I shoved it down to a tiny flicker! Time is NOT on my side, not with the needs of teenagers and my scattered “to do” lists (paper and electronic). My unorganized-self barely survives the constant demands and responsibilities adulthood entails (especially when it comes to being an ADHD'er with a vision impairment amongst other disabilities - in which I will get into in other blog posts). No one told me it was going to be to this level difficult! Even if they did, you never really understand until you live it though, right? I’m exhausted! This painting idea was just going to have to go bye-bye!

BUT... this flicker, kept getting bigger and burning brighter until it was a full fire that wasn’t going out until I painted.

My heart just would NOT let this one go… it MADE me do it!!

I threw every ounce of emotion I had into these paintings.

No pun intended, I literally, THREW rocks with globs of paint at aluminum.

Throwing stuff in general is therapeutic, but getting to choose the size, shape and toughness to what you are throwing makes it THAT MUCH BETTER. You’re not stuck with pillows or stuffed animals, and in this case, you’re allowed to throw rocks (vs. when you’re a kid, and you’re told “No throwing rocks” – I can’t tell you how many times I said that as a childcare provider)! I have to say, I found some bricks laying around and even threw those on and off! It’s even better getting to add the colors you are feeling! Watching the rocks fly with that paint and feeling, seeing and hearing the dent and color that match your emotions is as if you are talking to your younger self, which is exactly what I needed. I do that a lot through writing but doing it through abstract painting was new to me and mixing it with wearing my headphones while listening to my “Missing You Forever” Playlist, tied all of my emotions and thoughts together in such a freeing and awakening way.

Each painting has to do with the ongoing trauma, grief, intense confusion and basically a lifetime path of rollercoaster type emotions that I have had to find positivity through in order to survive. It all started at age 2 years and 9 months, and I have been a fighter since. I am 43 now, but I know because of my past, I will forever be a fighter, but a fighter with coping skills, who I feel can help others, simply because I can relate to many feelings when it comes to traumatic experiences. You will hear a bit more about my story in each description, but in general...

I have had to say goodbye to very close loved ones way too early, and some of the goodbyes were due to rare accidents which just adds to the confusion.

Other losses were due to what would be considered normal losses.

Then, there were other traumatic experiences where it was unknown if my loved ones were going to survive or not, but in the end they did survive, THANK GOD! However, those experiences were extremely shocking and were absolutely terrifying for me, and even though they survived, I found myself having to go through the grieving process anyway and/or years of figuring out how to piece myself back together emotionally and mentally (which you’ll learn through my paintings, I’m continuing to do, decades later).

Not knowing if your loved one is going to survive or not, especially in abrupt and traumatic situations… you just never forget the panic. You re-live it often, especially after you have had to say goodbye to so many loved ones.

Without fail, my heart has regularly made most or all of my decisions in life. I use my mind, but then, my heart quietly and slowly sneaks its way in…

I kick it out the best I can, and it comes right back in like a boss as if it owns me or something… and it typically wins!

As you can clearly see…………………..

because I now…... have a 5 piece set of paintings on my hands,

in which my mind was refusing!

There is part of me that believes my heart deserves an award for bossing me around this time though…

Why?

Because this time, my heart wasn’t putting others above myself. For the first time, in years and years, I actually allowed myself to put my love and attention for others aside, while I took care of my own mental and emotional health… fully, not partially. I literally told everyone, “Let me be. Please only interrupt, if there is a true emergency.” I stood my ground on this and am proud of myself for this as well!

This painting journey has actually opened up my mind and has strengthened my heart when it comes to caring for myself. I live each day focusing on the needs of everyone around me, and I forget about mine. Yes, the people I love so much, matter to me more than anything that I own or love to do...

but through this journey, I have regained a sense of my authentic, free-loving-spirit that I haven’t felt in years.

I’m singing again. I’m dancing again. I’m writing. Taking out my professional camera. I'm going out with friends and being my goofy self… (etc. etc.). I'm constantly coming up with ideas to the point that I not only drive those around me crazy but even myself - the kind where I wake up at night and have to write my thoughts down, so I don't wake up and get frustrated with myself for NOT waking up for a moment to write them down :/

My creativity has been here all along, and I have used it, but I haven’t felt I could be my truest self for a very long time (especially not in front of others). I think I will need to do another set of paintings regarding the “why’s” to that topic at some point (when my heart makes me do it:)

But I do know the reasons in general consist of being an adult / parent overloaded with responsibilities and trying to survive financially, mentally & emotionally as well for numerous reasons, being in relationships that my heart has known better than to be in (and my mind too), feeling as though only certain aspects of me are accepted around certain people (so I tread lightly)… and also, I think due to my past trauma (due to deep grief but also due to control and abuse in relationships), I believe that being my creative self has been something that I have learned is “not allowed” or my ideas are just dumb, etc.” When I’ve been made to feel like I’m a disappointment for being creative… for using my heart… for not being like everyone else… it reminds me of the cry that never stops inside my heart for the loved ones I have lost (or haven’t lost but can’t be in my life in the same way) who encouraged me and accepted me to be nothing but myself. We connected because they were who they were, and I was who I was….

Being myself without them… without their support…. It’s extremely triggering. Being reminded of the genuine happiness I felt with them (reliving our moments with emotional flashbacks) and then coming out of it and having to realize that I don’t have that anymore, makes me have to

hold back a crying episode instantly, and usually I can’t, especially when I’m alone, like I am right now.

There’s this thing about timing though…

If you’re extremely patient, through the worst times in your life…

Time can turn into a gift, when you least expect it.

These paintings are the gift of timing for me.

It’s time to forgive and set myself free from the burdens I hold inside.

It’s time to use my voice… like I used to – the way my loved ones would want me to (but without breakdowns)... BUT I can’t promise I won’t have any!!!

It’s not doing me any good to hold back…

In fact, I can’t do it any longer…

Nobody should have to feel like they need to be someone they aren’t.

I’m a giant light - not meant to be a flicker in this world

(& the same goes for anyone reading this)!!!!

This “fire” is never going out.

It’s just going to continue to burn brighter… and brighter… and brighter…

under the beautiful, twinkling stars – (because stars are everywhere…).

I don’t want to say that I’ve wasted a lot of my life shutting my heart down towards myself because I feel as though I was meant to give to whoever I have spent time with throughout the years, and considering that a waste is ridiculous to me. Even my failed relationships, I don’t hold grudges because everyone has their “stuff” including myself, so I consider these relationships as “meant to be” – the whole timing thing, you know? My heart lead me to those relationships, and I did my best… I’m not sure if my mind was working correctly, but… well, again – those are paintings for another time:)

All I’m saying is that I have given, and I don’t regret it, but am I tired and pushed past my limit? Yeah…

These paintings brought me to a turning point in my life and have caused positive changes that I did not see coming. Life continues to be difficult emotionally and mentally for me like it does for everyone. I truly feel like I’m not going to survive some days, even though, I know I am totally going to!!!

HOWEVER, I know this set of paintings signify a new beginning, and I hope they can help inspire others as well.

If I let my mind and heart work together and keep my “creative sparks of ideas” that start as giant lights, and I don’t put my foot down and stomp on them…

I’ll be on my way to feeling free again…

Because my way of living is by providing light through darkness…

I’ve been amazing at doing that for everyone else…

But not for myself…

And this is why my heart made me do it…

I understand now.

Thank you, Heart!

Mind, I am working on you :)

Love,

KP