Gold in my Hair (Meaning of Painting #4 - Set of 5)

I’m super stubborn, and if my feelings are basically screaming at me to get my butt outside and paint on this windy, dreary day… I’m going to!!! Even if Painting #3, “Sunshine in the Wind” didn’t go so hot :/

My feelings are the key, to go wherever I’m supposed to, and to do whatever I’m supposed to do, in this life. It’s how I’ve always survived, trusting myself and only myself, really. I question sometimes if that is good or bad, but my feelings tell me good, so I’m going with that:)

This painting began with of course, my calming playlist about my loved ones I grieve daily and with the feeling of (mostly) accepting that they are no longer here and / or things are unable to be the same as they were.

I don’t know if I will ever be able to fully accept that they are not here or able to make more memories with me because my love for the people that I either felt loved by equally and / or I was incredibly inspired by is on a deeper level than many relate to it seems?

I say that because I haven’t had many, if any, truly relate to the type of heartache I feel. The one person I can think of, is no longer here and is one of the reasons I feel so heartbroken every day.

Because of these feelings, the background began with darker blues and grays, but I did add a brighter purple because even though I feel heartache daily, I always have some brightness living within my heart because I know they are okay, and I will see them again one day. This is what matters most.

Also, a couple loved ones DID survive, and this seriously means EVERYTHING to me. Their survivals SAVED me. Really, because of this, it may seem I should have added brighter colors, but my emotions were pulling me to a more spiritual place. I guess that’s the best way I know how to describe it. I know they are a contribution to the gold in this painting, which is very significant and special if you ask me.

I’ve had to manage my emotions pretty much every moment, my entire life. Over time, trauma has accumulated. I do not say this with a victim mentality by the way… I’m anxious people are thinking that my mindset is “Poor Me,” but the more that accumulates, the more each traumatic event begins to weigh sooo heavily that you lose track of what matters most and acceptance just doesn’t seem right. What seems right, is for your loved ones to be HERE, making memories with you, the way it USED TO BE… when everything WAS HAPPY!! :/

So, sometimes you have your breakdowns and plummet as you make every effort to accept that they are never going to be here physically again… :( Or if they did survive, but you can’t have them in your life the same way, you make every effort to accept that you may never have the opportunity to make up for lost time (at least here and now).

Symbolically – Just as my last painting (#3 – Sunshine in the Wind), this painting was “me” and still IS me at times. Confusing, I know. Just roll with it.

I was able to hold onto it this time (tornado-like gusts did not steal it and slam it into the ground), but the wind DID knock it over onto my head while I was taking therapeutic selfies with it… (insert frustrated-face)… :/

At this point, it was dark out, and I had the lights on. I took a few steps back to view the painting from afar. The glimmer of the gold added at the end, was twinkling and shined extra brightly, and there was this subtle, slow-moving, big whoosh, yet soothing shift in energy. it was as if my loved ones who have passed were there with me in those moments (just like the sun in painting #5, “10 – 15 seconds”).

Thinking back, I do wonder if they are responsible for triggering the wind just enough to knock my painting onto my head? :/ I can just hear and picture them snickering. :/ It was probably their way of being mischievous for entertainment, but knowing them, it’s highly probable that they were trying to photo bomb, not only to be rebellious, but to give me a memory with them and to make me laugh a little. I do appreciate it very much, but I know they know that yes, I may have laughed some, but I’m still holding a grudge and am a bit frustrated :) Slightly joking :) Okay not really… if I could, I would run after them…….. and……. HUG them and NEVER let go!!!!!!

But... this showed the growth of my acceptance of my losses and tragic and rare situations.

I mean, I JUST finished my painting and AGAIN , it felt healing, and I was in a great, peaceful place internally, and then WHAM!!! it falls on my head at the very end (as soon as I stand up once again! - talking symbolically again – the painting is ME)… BUT how do you not crack up at least a little, at a bunch of gold, glimmery paint in your hair?! :)

I’ve learned that some falls you take, even big ones… you just might find yourself being lighthearted about one day. You’ll be cracking jokes you never thought you’d crack!

Some falls though... you will never, EVER laugh about or even think about smiling about (as you shouldn’t), but you always have the memories you made with those people to reminisce and laugh about. It’s not the same type of laughing without them next to you, I know, but it’s better than never having experienced those laughs with them. The grieving process can make you believe otherwise at times though, and I do understand that feeling very well. When the connection of those you love so deeply is just ripped away, and their physical presence isn’t where it should be… there is no emptier feeling.

It takes time for your heart to mend, and if you love to the level I do, you may never mend in full (until you are with them again one day), but, I can promise that you will get through the worst of the pain and begin to connect spiritually to them… the way that I felt while I painted this painting. You will have trust once again, that there is more to life than just the physical life that we are living now, and you WILL BE OKAY!!!

I now realize without them ever being a part of my life, this painting… or this set of paintings would not exist…

There is always the possibility that I may have never met them or had them in my life at all, and this is a thought my heart can’t bare. It is a type of pain that is nameless. You’d have to be me to fathom the depth.

I will put it simply though -

If I had a choice between:

their non-existence in my life to save me from having my forever inconsolable, grief-stricken, shattered heart...

OR having them in my life but having the forever inconsolable, grief-stricken, shattered heart…

I would choose to have these moments painting…

With gold in my hair…

Love,

KP