Courageous, Life-Loving Fighter (The meaning of Painting #1 ... (Set of 5).

For most of my life, I have grieved the loss of many loved ones in such confusion. I didn’t know how to work through my feelings of grief because I didn’t fully understand why people came into my life, that I loved so much and then they were just suddenly gone?

I just knew I had a flood of mixed feelings that mainly included deep sadness of missing them and intense fear that something bad was going to happen to others that I loved.

As I listened to my, “Missing you forever” playlist while painting this piece (my 1^st one), I of course relived the pain that I continue to hold inside every day because those loved ones can never be replaced, but it is this thought and feeling that lead to the vibrant color being added. How can I not add color when the memories of them provide the same intensity I feel when it comes to the sadness and fear I endure with missing them, but instead the memories circle around my gloom with happiness and cheer. It’s like a symbol of their presence in my life. The color they added can never fade. It’ll forever remain, and they will always be a part of me. The white lines, are my way of showing them that I’m grateful because they have given me the gift of finding my way back to courage when I lose my way, and not only do I want them to know, but I also wanted to remind myself, that I am capable of moving forward through anything that is hard in life. Living without them, proves it because I don’t have them to reach out to in the same way. I can only go off of what I know they would say or want for me.

I see now after this painting that I should be proud of the courageous, life-loving fighter that I have am. I don’t always take the time to reminisce about the young girl who survived the grieving process (not knowing that is what it was) Nor, do I stop and take in the fact that the woman I’ve become is still that girl holding in a lot of those mixed feelings because… who wouldn’t?

But there is one thing I know for sure, through my sadness, through my fear, through the craziness of the chaos and stress in life that becomes non-stop busy -

I have always come out on top. People have always tried to bring this courageous, life-loving fighter down… maybe they view me as an easy target because I love deeply and easily and see potential in everybody? Or because I see pretty colors everywhere and believe everyone should accept one another? Or because I simply want to help everyone feel content and safe because why would I want anyone to have to feel the way I have throughout my life?

And though, grieving from a toddler to adulthood causes ongoing storms, it also gives you an ongoing, beautiful perspective on life that you grow to realize many can’t see.

It forces you to realize that you weren’t wrong. You were and are, in many ways, alone because in this way, your life is different. Your soul feels things that are irrational to others and it takes an abundance of mental, emotional and emotional strength to be a courageous, life-loving fighter.

I thought this painting was only going to show how much I miss all of my loved ones because the ache my heart feels for them every second, never stops, but their spirits were for sure with me on this one, and now I look at this painting as if it’s a memory of us together… painting my 1^st piece…

and it’s humbling and incredibly special to me because it took a great amount of tenacity for me to follow this inner-whisper that was kindly demanding that I follow through with this healing-spark of an idea… chucking painted rocks at aluminum to release my inner mix of emotions…

I’m a courageous, life-loving fighter.

KP