COMPLEXITY AND CHAOS OR…. ??? (The meaning of Painting #2 - Set of 5)

The focus of this painting was about a time in my life where I was grieving intensely. I was in everlasting shock and disbelief. I was being forced to live my life in a busy world that I was going to be forever numb to. I couldn’t process the COMPLEXITY and CHAOS of 2 completely different and traumatic situations totally slamming me out of nowhere within a few days of each other :(

My heart was unexpectedly and completely shattered into pieces. I was heart-sick in such a way that no one related to my devastation, and I was totally alone and terrified… later to be diagnosed with PTSD (which has now been changed to COMPLEX-PTSD).

I don’t want to use the word “refused” when it comes to accepting my new reality because it wasn’t as though I was refusing to accept it. It was just that everything within me truly didn’t believe that this was my new reality. There were no questions to ask because the questions didn’t exist!

See the COMPLEXITY? I was a tear-less, sobbing every day and night (either internally or outwardly) contradiction. My heart was shattered and sick, and I was devastated, alone and terrified, but in the same token, I was “fine.” I guess you could say I was devastated to the point that I had to disassociate from the COMPLEXITY and CHAOS of this “potential” reality that did NOT exist… to the level that I did in order to survive what I knew my deepest true feelings to be.

The suppressed, bottomless feelings were intimidating because although I was numb, I knew I couldn’t hide forever either. I had been through trauma before, and this is one of the reasons I just could not face the COMPLEXITY and CHAOS of another round of years of sheer disheartening suffering. They say kids are resilient, but I disagree. Facing trauma through childhood is mentally and emotionally taxing, and you have to find your way to health through the confusion, so when COMPLEX and CHAOTIC trauma slams you as a teen, at least for me, it felt like there was no way out.

Eventually, my mind confronted my heart and vice versa. The combat was fierce as new emotions continued to rise to the surface. They demanded answers that they could not receive answers to. The “Why’s and What if’s?” nagged non-stop. Questions like, “Did they think of me and make these choices anyway? Or did they not think of me at all (especially knowing my childhood story, knowing it would make my pain worse?)” Either way… the answer to that question would suck because it’s one or the other!!!

My emotions were filled with COMPLEXITY and CHAOS, but at this specific time, though I was unbelievably depressed and severely crushed with ongoing breakdowns, my biggest battle was forgiveness. I’m not one to hold big grudges often… UNLESS you are THAT meaningful to me and you LEAVE ME because I know true gems when I find them, and I do not like losing gems because my life began with losing a gem and soon after, I almost lost another gem and this COMPLEX and CHAOTIC situation was causing me to what I felt, have to relive my past in a sense (hence the PTSD kicking in).

I am never sure how to express how grateful I am that I was able to get closure from one friend because the type of “loss” when it comes to him is different. He is alive and well but almost wasn’t :( It has not been an easy ride, and we are still hoping we can live a life, happy and free together again one day.

His COMPLEX and CHAOTIC scenario caused me to be alarmed in such a rare way that you would have to live it to relate to it.

I don’t think he realizes that His survival saved my life…

He knows me to have such a positive life spirit, but positive spirits can go 100% rayless when they lose their gems :(

He survived for many reasons, but I know I am one of them because if he had passed away at the same time as my other best friend, my delicate heart just couldn’t have taken it :( :( :(

I often think to myself, “It’s truly ironic that the person who caused me such intense trauma is also the person to heal it.”

I have been able to get the “why’s” from him. I have been able to feel remorse. I have interacted with him when he hasn’t felt well and have seen his growth along with the amount of patience, courage and strength it takes to be in such a position where he has zero control of his outcome. Being that he had no idea he was putting himself and his loved ones in this distressing, COMPLEX and CHAOTIC situation, he is handling it like the gem I’ve always known him to be.

Because of all of this, I never felt I had to forgive him necessarily. He has been an open book in such a kind and non-defensive way, and that is extremely admirable.

I didn’t really know who to blame for this, other than life itself… and as usual… myself :( Could I have stopped it from happening? I had this intuition going on, dreams, etc., but it wasn’t enough for me to know for sure what was leading me to think about him so much… well, I found out, that’s for sure.

TRIGGER WARNING – next sentence!

a few days after this friend’s COMPLEX and CHAOTIC situation, my other gem of a friend, took his own life :( :( :( It will forever be considered one of the absolute worst days of my life.

I was already done-in, but this… this… THIS… DID ME IN!!! The shock state I was in, magnified as far as magnification can be magnified.

I of course, fell to the ground and cried out loud for him more times than I can count. I feel this pain as if it were yesterday, and I continue to hold tears back even today, at just an ounce of any thought of him. He was a bit of a rebel, but his soul and the way he genuinely cared for me (and others)… there is no getting over him, EVER. I never thought the kid I highly disliked and was in fear of at day care (he threw hot dish at me :/ ), would become a gem in my life as a teen, who I would cry for the rest of my life :( :( :(

I can’t lie though. There’s this internal war that I have been fighting on and off. I get so angry at myself for even letting myself attack him even a little, when he was obviously suffering immensely (to the level that he would leave this world), but my totally broken heart hasn’t been able to forgive him fully :(

I went through a tumultuous phase where I seriously was just pissed off at him. How could he just leave me here to mourn in heart-sick sorrow, KNOWING all too well how torn up I would be for the rest of my life?!!! :( We had MANY conversations about mental health – his in-particular, being he suffered with bipolar. I recall numerous late night / early A.M. phone conversations. He always told me, “he couldn’t promise he would stay with me physically, but he would always be with me in soul.” He has proven how seriously he takes his promises :(

I do feel his soul everywhere. Though, I am not proud to say, there have been times I have blocked him out. I just preferred he was here physically, not in soul. He could have chosen to stay. He could have chosen NOT TO HURT ME :(

To add even more COMPLEXITY and CHAOS…

Yes, while it is true, I hold a bit of resentment towards him from time to time, I have come to realize that most of the resentment isn’t towards him. It’s with MYSELF.

Anything that reminds me of him, does bring in a whirlwind of COMPLEX and CHAOTIC emotions when it comes to him personally, but it also triggers the darkest feelings that exist within me to come to the surface, which is basically a sense of not just disappointment in myself for not being there for him but a sense of self-hate and ocean-deep shame. I do everything I can to avoid these feelings, but they do weigh in the background and are rather draining (though I don’t notice them most of the time) as I push with all my strength to use my heart in the ways that I KNOW I should… and the ways I KNOW he would want me to.

Sorry… I come off so negative. My writing tends to bring out these emotions… it’s how I deal.

And now, Painting is how I deal as well…

This painting is different than the others in the set.

It’s COMPLEX and CHAOTIC with bright colored lines that are front and center of the COMPLEXITY and CHAOS... yet they blend in to the rest of the painting and do not stand out the way that the lines do in the rest of the set. I find a lot of meaning behind this.

What is interesting is, this painting didn’t start out bright.

Behind the COMPLEXITY and CHAOS, are still a decent amount of colors but just a duller fashion, many of which are in the shapes of circles, which was not intended.

When I see a circle, I envision a cycle right away… probably because I’ve figured out the hard way (a time or 100), what a negative or abusive cycle is (insert eye-roll :/ ). I tend to get stuck in the same repetitive, narcissistic-type cycles because well – that’s a story (or stories) for another day I suppose :/

I thought I was done with the painting the way it was without any lines, just with the dull colors and circles, but it kept staring at me uncomfortably as if there was more to be done and more to say. I couldn’t take it anymore!!! I grabbed it and outside I went to fix it so I didn’t have to feel this way anymore!!! I just wanted it to shut up already!!!

I planned on only adding some yellow lines. Talking about it with my friend (mentioned above who survived), he was thinking yellow would be great as well, so I thought it was PERFECT that we both thought this because he (and my daughter) are the most talented artists I know!

Plus, as I mentioned above, he may have caused me a lot of trauma, but it is just so ironically healing receiving thoughts from him about my therapeutic painting that is partially about him! It would make so much sense to finish the painting with yellow lines being that neither of us knew that the other was thinking “yellow lines” to begin with...

BUT, as usual… and as he could and should always expect,

I could not ONLY do yellow lines because I was not ONLY feeling yellow lines. I couldn’t make up my mind!!!

my emotions were just kind of everywhere as I thought back to the COMPLEXITY and CHAOS of this time in my life as I fast forwarded to where I am now. Continuing to have lingering feelings of resentment and self-blame after all these years, has its damaging consequences.

While I was in the zone, arguing with these powerful emotions, I continued to feel a bit uneasy about this painting. It was just annoying me because I felt my feelings weren’t being captured the way I wanted, which is a little silly to me honestly because it is abstract, but if you know me… sometimes I get a little picky about anything I create… I am trying to improve this attitude of mine! It’s incredibly far from an easy task!!!

As I was painting with my headphones on, I said to myself, “After the next song, I will drop the paint, the painting will be done.” I had no idea what the song would be, but it turned out to be such a meaningful song for this painting because the friend that agreed on the yellow lines… had recently requested that I listen to one of his vigorous songs that I would never listen to if it weren’t for him, and it turned out to be this song that played. It was meant to be.

I knew this was my moment to finish this painting with whatever I was feeling.

I’m a life-loving person, and after the traumatic events and losses I have endured, I wasn’t sure if I would love life ever again. It has NOT been the same, and I can’t say that I have 100% accepted that even today…

BUT if you look at the COMPLEXITY and CHAOS of my painting, I think it is easy to see that I do love life again.

it’s just a little less COMPLEX and CHAOTIC now, than what it was then… well, quite a bit less COMPLEX and CHAOTIC...

BUT that time lives within me, and because of not only this time in my life (but the trauma from earlier in my life), my emotions and thoughts can match this painting even today…

I may not have fully healed those dull colored circles (cycles) in the background. In fact, I may continue to get myself stuck in circles (cycles), but throughout the COMPLEXITY and CHAOS, I never give up…

Every time I get lost or stumble, I find my way and get back up somehow. there are always colors to look forward to! this is something I keep reminding myself and something I keep learning time and time again, and this is something I want others to know as well… you CAN make it through the COMPLEXITY and CHAOS of anything you are going through even when it seems like you can’t… you WILL make it!!!

The lines are positive and bright (the way I do my best to remain in life).

however, as mentioned earlier…

they are not clear and do not stand out like they do in the other paintings, and I feel this is because the COMPLEXITY and CHAOS is constantly invisibly streaming within, but I give my ALL to keep it bright and happy because I know how fast life can be taken and how special it really is.

The last thing I want to mention about this painting goes back to the timing of my friend’s song and the meaning it added to my painting at the very end.

Sorry, I know I’m kind of jumping around a bit, but finding a way to explain the COMPLEXITY and CHAOS is not proving to be simple!!

My gem may not quite relate to the big emotions I felt while painting this painting. Presumably, yeah, yellow would have looked the part over the dull circles (cycles), but that just isn’t my story… it isn’t what I have lived… it isn’t what I have felt or what I feel, but what I can say, is that I never thought I would have the feelings I had at the end of this painting, and I don’t think I would have had them if it weren’t for him for one, surviving… two, sending me the song three, his ongoing support for what I want and love in life (and so on)…

That song is intense, and the lyrics, I paid no attention to :)

I just stayed in my world and followed my feelings, and what will always stay with me from painting the last 6 minutes of this piece (long song – which is part of the reason for the COMPLEXITY and CHAOS:) -

IS….

I was able to let go of A LOT more than I ever thought I would be able to. I’m still a work in progress when it comes to resentment towards myself and also having unanswered questions and having to live with grief that hurts like hell sucks, BUT in the end of this painting… it wasn’t dull colored, circles (cycles) anymore… and it didn’t have the “planned” yellow lines that we thought would “fit.” I mean, yellow seemed right because yellow is over-all my sun-shiny personality in life (though it may not seem like it when I write my feelings on paper).

I think back to the frustration, the sadness, the loneliness, the tears I SO wanted to cry and ALMOST did while plastering that paint on the aluminum…

and ending it with a rush of energy and racing heart.

It was as if I just ran a race, but it was an emotional one that made me sit and stare at my past and my current surroundings after I threw that last splatter of paint on as hard as I could (as I crossed the “finish line”).

as my breathing slowed down a bit, it suddenly felt awkwardly, satisfying…

I just let out all of these emotions in a way I never have before.

The wind was still, the sun was shining, the sky was blue, the birds were chirping in the background, and I was just standing there, taking it all in…

And I thought to myself….

“You know… it looks extremely COMPLEX and CHAOTIC,

BUT….

Doesn’t it also look kind of pretty? Like a SUNRISE or SUNSET?”

…………………………………………………………………………………………… ??????

Love,

KP