Sunshine in the Wind (Meaning of Painting #3 - Set of 5)

The wind was strong on this grayish, dreary day and the gusts were abrupt and extremely fervent. To simplify, creating this piece was a bit tormenting due to the triggering of emotional flashbacks to traumatic times I have endured throughout my lifetime. I did not realize how intense the gusts were until I was ready to paint. Common sense would say to check the weather, but it had been nice out the past few days, so why wouldn’t it be nice out “today?”:P

Individuals who have been through certain types of ongoing trauma MIGHT relate to this trigger I’m about to explain, otherwise, you probably think I’m a wacko, but I’m used to it honestly.

Every time the painting fell (due to the ongoing wind and harsh gusts), I was triggered into a feeling of panic due to the sudden fall itself and having to catch the painting (IF I could), but also the loud sound of it hitting the cement (if I wasn’t able to catch it).

It felt as though, I was the physical painting (every time it was knocked down), but I was also my human self (the artist). However, I wasn’t fully,, emotionally or mentally living in the reality of the current moment of 2025. I was reliving the traumatic moments that I experienced from 1984 and up, almost in old-video form or slideshows of photos but the speed can change. It can rewind, fast-forward, jump around or glitch.. I usually feel the feelings quickly, but it doesn’t necessarily feel quick because my mind is very much in the moment, and my heart is usually at least slightly racing (I just don’t always realize it), and then I slowly snap out of it and go back to whatever I was doing and realize I was kind of “daydreaming” about my past. It’s an extremely normal part of my life, and I don’t think too much of it, until I sit down to write about it, and then I think to myself, “hmmm…. I wonder what people are going to think of this?” I think it’s important to be honest and upfront about mental health though… PTSD is a real thing. It can be scary, stressful and confusing to live with, and it can be scary, stressful and confusing for others around you, but once you learn yourself (or your loved ones learn about it), and you get the help, it’s not so bad:)

In this case, emotional flashbacks were caused by having to catch the painting abruptly, out of nowhere or missing the catch and having to pick the painting (aka… myself) up, having to continue creating a smeared painting (of myself?) that I was distressed by.

You following? Yeah – sometimes I’m not either! Reread that a billion times or just skip over it and keep reading the rest :)

Why was this agitating me more and more, every time it fell?

I guess if the “painting is me,” referring to it falling over (AKA - ME falling over time and time again due to trauma), it makes sense because no one wants to keep falling and having to get back up again, emotionally, mentally or physically.

I relate very deeply to that feeling. It can be so incredibly frustrating and honestly, exhausting. It can make a kind and caring soul, irritable and ruffled! It’s worse when you feel unsupported as well because you get blamed for your irritability and ruffled responses, when really you are just misunderstood. You are overwhelmed from constantly falling and being judged for the falls and nobody offering a hand, a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear to help you back up.

In this example, I felt like I was just the artist. the painting falling, however, triggered me into feeling like it was one of my loved ones…

the second the wind swooshed, and I had to catch the painting out of nowhere, unplanned, instant heart-jumping kicked in for me that I was able to get under control quickly, but when my heart jumps as if I have to save “someone” (the painting symbolizes someone), I feel like my heart is not just jumping, I’m literally going to die in that moment because I feel as though someone’s life is in my hands once again, and the pressure is so extreme, I am going to fail and / or the scene is going to be graphic, frightening and loud, etc., which is why I do not like sudden movements or loud noises.

All of these feelings – from a painting – falling – Crazy, huh?

I don’t like sudden movements. I jump because in one mil-second, all of me thinks something terrible is happening because that is what “abrupt” means to me. It is what I have learned and know, and it is incredibly difficult to unlearn. I have done a great job though at unlearning (even though it may not sound like it)! This painting thing had me back in the “unlearned zone” for a bit though!

Growing up, especially as an early teen and up, I was great at suppressing my confusion. I masked it with focusing on my passions and caring for the people around me. After all, “sunshine can shine through the wind.”

From a toddler on, my mental and emotional health has been pretty muddled.

There comes a time where you kind of get used to the “wind and random gusts” knocking you over. You honestly, may be perturbed inside (etc.), but you don’t realize you are feeling these feelings necessarily. Eventually, when it happens over and over again, you begin to realize because you’re using all of your energy to be the “sunshine in the wind” for others AND for yourself in order to survive this nagging “wind and the sudden gusts...”

because you know they are worth the fight.

Others don’t always see that when they haven’t been through tragic incidents and losses and because you don’t want others to feel the feelings you have to feel, you try to hold them up and sometimes you do so, so much that you forget about yourself. Hence, part of the not noticing how you feel internally as things add up. You’re just too concerned about others.

As I stepped back, I was in awe of the twilight, periwinkle lines with the somber background. There was something super special about this painting. It just spoke to me so loudly yet so subtly. It matched my feelings perfectly. My heart felt heard fully…. As if the painting were me? It truly related and understood a certain depth of me that is hard for even me to reach… regarding especially what I tried to describe above.

BUT OF COURSE, once I was DONE painting, the “wind” THEN decided to die down, to a “slight breeze.” I no longer had to fight the “wind” or catch my painting (aka - myself). It was calming and almost felt too good to be true, but I’ve been working on trusting the world around me a bit more, so I let my painting begin drying in the “breeze” while I cleaned up my mess with a little less weight baring on my heart. It was like the painting was still… “me”, but I was also me… cleaning up the mess at the same time.

Cleaning up the “mess” that surrounded my painting (AKA – Myself) felt symbolic – as if I were alleviating years of trapped emotions. I was getting the emotional flashbacks of trauma but in an unrecognizable, comforting, healing way, while I caught glimpses of my “painting” in the background… (aka… me…)...

sitting safely in color, in the “light breeze.”

It’s not a normal sight or feeling for me.

What is safety anyway?

As I’ve mentioned, in my first painting description (Courageous Life-Loving Fighter – Painting #1), I lived a lot of my younger years with an overwhelming phobia that I was going to lose more loved ones suddenly. I didn’t want to leave anyone because if I did, they were going to be gone, and I’d never see them again.

It’s un-graspable, as a kid, trying to piece together why some people stay and why some people leave? Why are they here one minute giggling and playing with me and then they just disappear? Did I do something wrong? Am I not loved anymore? But I was SO Happy!!! Why is it being taken away??!!

Or… why do startling, unexpected, unspeakable tragedies happen to loved ones? And when they do, why do I have to go through the severe panic of not knowing whether they will survive or not? Why do I have to remember everything so graphically? Why didn’t I save them? I could have, I should have!!! Can I PLEASE have a do-over?!!! I promise, I will do better!!!

Why do I have to deal with every attempt at disallowing the emotional flashbacks every second of every day?

I never asked why with a victim mentality though.

I asked because I literally didn’t understand.

As an adult, I continue not to have a victim mentality.

Instead, I have found that if I seek “rays of sunshine (the good things and the meaning or positive lessons in life),” as much as I possibly can in my “windy” life, it lowers the amount of force I give to the “wind” that insists on knocking me over. The “sun” kind of outshines it, and I pay less attention to it.

Although, it’s important that I pay attention to the “wind” as well or the “rays of sunshine” will become “lightning” (negative times) instead. All of the therapeutic work I’ve put into my emotional flashbacks will be undone, and the goal is to stay balanced!!!!

As mentioned, this painting did make me feel more balanced, but THEN… :/ ………………. :/

Suddenly… a tornado-like gust charged through and harshly picked up my painting! I chased it as fast as I could, but the gust was too powerful, and I watched it flip, tumble and slide as it ended up facing downward… :(:(:(

It felt like my past in many ways, and it was truly symbolic..

Again, it was as if I were the painting… having to pick myself up time and time again, after “flipping, tumbling, sliding and facing downward on cement (theoretically),”

but… it was also as if I remained myself, and my painting took the role of each loved one in each tragedy I have experienced in my past. So simply put, I may have been frantically trying to save my “flipping, tumbling, sliding and facing downward on cement” “painting,” but inside, I was frantically feeling like I was having to save a loved one’s life and / or failing at saving their lives. Well, I tried to put it simply, but I guess if you aren’t me or someone with PTSD, you might not be able to understand fully, but I would rather you not have to understand honestly.

I felt excruciatingly terrified, devastated, helpless, hopeless and just really sad… :(:(:(

Why did I care so much? It’s just a painting, right?

But it wasn’t just a painting to me…

I knew I couldn’t control it though. There wasn’t anything I could do. I’ve learned that a billion times, so I brought it in to dry and did my best to find at least SOME “sunshine in the wind” and the “rays” that I did find were basically, that it wasn’t completely ruined. It was more-so just a bit smeared and flattened but nothing I couldn’t come back from. (Ugh – I suppose). Speaking literally but also my then and there emotional status.

The problem was, once it dried, the colors were less vibrant. I’m new at this painting thing, keep in mind :/ Seriously, why did they have to dry darker? It just didn’t feel the way it felt when I first finished it color-wise AND the paint was smeared and flattened :/ All of it combined, it felt too harsh to accept!!

So again... the painting is me, and it is very symbolic of my past...

No matter how hard I fought for “sunshine in the wind” (AKA… searched for positivity to use against the power of the tough times), the tragedies eventually overloaded me. not only that, I was my only friend and some days, I was barely even that for myself and truthfully, I question if there were days that I was even my own friend at all? I have always had this internal bond with myself though. I just remember being a little girl and telling myself to “fight”, that “I mattered.” As a teen and young adult, I held onto this attitude the best I could, but there were days, I did lose most of my hope, if not all:(

Like my painting, I lost all of my vibrancy, all of the glimmer that I carried everywhere I went. I found it harder and harder to impossible to find even one ray of “sunshine in the wind.” Though, there were “HUGE, SUDDEN GUSTS,” they became non-existent in a way. I was in severe disbelief. I was as numb as a person can be. I didn’t know how I was going to survive when I was hit by these “gusts,” and I had to survive them alone, emotionally and mentally because I was supposed to “get over it.”

I don’t just “get over” losing loved ones, especially ones that added tremendous amounts of vibrancy to the vibrancy I was now losing without them:( Also, symbolic of to my painting.

Loneliness was a themed feeling that surrounded me in life simply because I felt dissimilar to others due to the trauma I experienced and my reactions to it. However, I was experiencing loneliness on a painfully deep level now. I was honestly battling hatred for myself for not being there when my loved ones needed me. How could everyone turn away from me so easily when I had no “sunshine” left? I know they noticed… but honestly, either way is heart-rending:(

Trigger Warning – Next Sentence(s) / Paragraph

I was beginning to have intrusive thoughts and was scarily fully relating to my best friend, and why he took his own life. I was disgusted with myself. He needed me, just like I needed someone right then:( I needed him especially:( What was the point in living? (I worked through this though… and you CAN too… I’m so grateful I did… PLEASE DO NOT hurt yourself… you’re just having intrusive thoughts)!!!!!!!! Keep reading...

The painting (again, AKA me) kept staring at me in its dullness with disappointment. Basically, it was like a mirror, and I was staring at myself. The “painting” was faded, forgotten-looking, unhappy… as if it were shoved aside and no one cared about it, which was heartbreaking because the “painting” was so beautiful before with its perfect, periwinkle lines and dim but glowing background of greens, blues and purples.

I had a choice to make...

I could shove the painting (myself) aside in the corner and try to forget it was ever made (or that the trauma ever happened), living in the gloomiest gloom and self-hate my entire life…

OR I could somehow, someway, find courage and fight as I always have and pick up the painting (myself) and do my best to make something out of it?

I chose to find and reach for the one tiny speck of “sunshine” that I could (and even that felt out of the question). I decided to see if I could kind of re-create the painting to the best of my ability, knowing that it would never be the same. I … MY HEART… MY SOUL… would NEVER, EVER be the same again:(

It didn’t even come CLOSE to the same. The colors are reversed. The background has more vibrancy than the original darker, beautiful glow theme and the lines that had the periwinkle tone are now covered in black. :/ :( …. Not at all what I envisioned or wanted…

What happened to my “painting?”

What happened to me?

The original was gone.

I was GONE.

:( :( :(

It makes sense though. “Tornado-like gusts” will change you and not usually in ways you want to change… at least not at first.

What I have come to realize is that sometimes the “sunshine in the wind” IS ACCEPTING your despair for what it is and ALLOWING yourself to FEEL YOUR pain and NOT letting anyone else having even a tiny say in what YOUR HEART is TRULY feeling.

You can miss your loved ones as deep and as hard as you NEED to, and NO ONE has the right to tell you otherwise! You can FALL when these “gusts” come in, and once you take care of yourself, this is when you naturally begin to see more “rays shining” through this “pesky wind” (because you had the courage to love yourself through these “tornado-like gusts” and even just “general wind).”

This honesty with yourself, will not bring your original “painting” (self) back, and this may always cause discomfort and have moving layers of thick disheartening clouds to push your way through, and I can’t lie, that portion really, REALLY, SUCKS, at least this has been my experience.

The work I put in to that original painting...

my original self…

to teach myself to become so positive, happy and to feel as safe as possible again and then to have to start over from scratch due to this “wind” and these sudden, super-shocking, heart-shattering “gusts”… it is indescribable. :/ :(

However, it will also lead to more “paintings” (self portraits) that show your growth through your most devastating challenges. It’ll show the changing colors of your emotions on your personal journey of taking each tearful, isolated and heartbroken step to gain what seemed to be impossible strength and courage and how you found …………………. (insert whatever your sunshine in the wind is)……………………….

(fill in the blank… (s)…………………………………... !!!!!!

For me, a lot of it has been finding my self-worth due to self-blame and accepting that others aren’t the same type of givers and will not see life the same way as I do. they haven’t walked in my shoes. My journey has been constantly having to find my way to becoming, wanting to be and feeling as though I deserve to be, my own best friend. A lot of this circles back to self-blame though, I believe.

There is a piece of me that I reserve for myself out of self-protection (again – safety isn’t something that I feel easily & this is due to many instances in life). I am a confident person, and I do know who I am. I tend to show the sun-shiny smiley side of me most of the time (in social situations), but what is interesting is that, allowing myself to be open with myself through my creativity, is what has allowed me to have this sun-shiny side and is what brings that sun-shiny smiley side of me out. It has been my survival, and it has paved the path that I am on now. Without it, I don’t know that I could be the sun-shiny smiley person that I have become.

My point to this, is that I am beginning to feel this perceptive nudge… that if I open up the door, even on a tiny crack to that piece of me… sharing my truest feelings and sharing my moments of creativity throughout my lifetime as a healing resource for others – it might just be the key to what I feel I would consider the sunshine that would complete me because it has the potential not only to help me but to help others, and this is what I have felt called to do my entire life. Well, my dream was to be a singer, but I did want to use the stage to bring sunshine into my fans lives! Sometimes, life doesn’t give you the dreams you dream up in your head or heart, but it gives you an unexpected version of it that means just as much, if not more to you. Unfortunately, it can take time for a lot of us, especially those of us that have been through some tough times.

life and people might bring “winds” at different strengths and speeds, even “gusts,” and I may have let some of these “winds” take advantage of me while I attempted to be their “sunshine in the wind” that they were causing for me… and themselves.

Waking up to the fact that I have been easily susceptible to lies and manipulation, when I know myself to be intuitive, hasn’t been a fun one to admit, but it’s a blessing that I have learned and know better now.

BUT, I have to throw this out there…

Though, I have been through trauma, lies, manipulation, etc… (different types of “wind” as mentioned), I have to compliment myself because I have found that...

I am NOT WEAK!!!

I am NEVER going to stand for allowing anyone to control my voice, my sensitivity, my goodwill, my sincere intentions and so on...

They can try to hold me down… the “wind” can keep blowing and “gusting,” but I will forever chase the “sunshine…!!!!”

I am ME…

This painting is “me” and what I have gone through, what I am going through currently (what I’m trying to heal from) and a glimpse into my future because it is providing a bit of understanding as to how these “windy and gusty” times have affected me and continue to weigh heavier on me than I sometimes realize.

My whole-hearted hope, is that you find your “Sunshine in the Wind…”

Start with that tiny spec of “light,” and I promise you… the “gusts and wind” will turn to a “light breeze,” and life will mainly be “sunshine” for quite some time.

Remember, life isn’t only about “sunshine”…

it’s about finding who we are through the “Sunshine in the Wind…”

And that brings out the “sunshine” within us.

Love,

KP